Jacob's Letters
by fakeloz
Summary: Bella finds letters written to her by her late boyfriend, Jacob Black before he died. She thinks the letters have given her peace but what she hasnt figured out yet is her peace has been with her since DAY 1!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One – And It was over**

Looking out over the sparkling sea you wouldn't think it held death, that it ruined everything. But it did. At least it did for me. It held nothing magical for me that it once did. And I felt cold towards it and angry. Something I wasn't likely to get over for a while.

Seagulls squawked over head and I stared up at them souring, lithely even with no wind. Oh to be that free, to go wherever you wanted with no one to make you feel guilty about leaving. Nothing to feel connected to until you decided to connect. Yeah the scavenging wasn't so high on my list of pluses about them. But who cares, that aside it seemed so perfect.

Maybe when I die I will be reincarnated as one, or maybe I will just be with Jacob that would be even better. The seagulls seemed so beautiful when they were soaring, harmless above. So peaceful. It reminded me of a book I had once read called 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull' it was all about freedom and the right to follow whichever path you chose. I didn't have a path anymore; my path disappeared with the person who created it. There was nothing left to hold onto and I was lost. Floating on the ocean, discarded, numb. Maybe I would still be grounded if I didn't attach myself so tightly. But he was gone and he was never coming back.

Ever since that day, when I had spent 8 hours standing beside this timeless bay in the blistering sun, I hated it. Watching the divers drag . . . well it was the most terrifying, heartbreaking soul destroying thing that had ever happened to me. I saw the sea in a different way after that.

My chest clenched painfully and I turned my eyes from the beautiful, ugly water. Maybe coming here today wasn't the best idea; mind you it was probably better than facing all the familiar people. Jakes friends, Billy and all the others who lived on the reservation. I doubt they wanted to me either; I had always been with Jake so to see me without him.

Why did it have to be sunny today, why couldn't it rain, it least the rain didn't hold painful memories. At least sometimes when it rained, you couldn't see anything and you could disappear into and forget about what's left behind. I wish I could do that now.

The sun appeared from behind a cloud and it felt like Jake smiling, I looked up expecting him to be wading towards me through the still water, a smile pulling at my lips. But there was nothing but the flat surface and my memories. My smile fell and I glared at the water. Seaweed floated in on the waves like green hair, beautiful under the water but gross out. I fingered the hem of my dress and stared. Jake was gone so there was nothing to stare at, no sun to follow with my eyes. Just the vast expanse of water, the dull, ugly, killing water. A stray tear escaped one of my eyes. Stop crying, I shouldn't cry so much over Jake. No one seemed to cry anymore. I couldn't understand that. Was Jake not special to them or were they just to numb to feel any sadness.

Floating beside the broken Jetty was a shoe and a lump rose in my throat, it was Jakes shoe the one he had lost the day the Jetty broke. It was rotting and the lining was falling apart. It must have been floating in and out with the tide. That's why it had not disappeared into the murky depths yet.

Why did this have to happen? If he had just jumped when he was gong to, if I hadn't of stopped him. Jake would still be here. It was all my fault. The water lapped at my boots and I sprang backwards as if I had been stung. I couldn't go in there, I couldn't let the water touch me or I touch the water. It held to much pain, to much distress.

Of all the things that could happen to Jake. He could have been bitten or shot or stabbed. But no, he had to drown. How was it possible? It had been two weeks and I still had not wrapped my head around that. No one understood even after the divers had explained, still no one understood. I swept my hair from over my shoulder, to now my back. I had grown it really long for Jake but now all I wanted to do was chop it all off. Could I do it though, could I take away a memory? I ran my fingers through it and sighed. No I couldn't do it. That answered that. Just like I couldn't watch Van helsing anymore or the brothers Grimm, or Romeo and Juliet. And how I couldn't read the classics anymore. Wuthering heights lay discarded under my floor boards. The only thing I kept in my room that reminded me of Jake was the photo of us with our foreheads pressed together. I was smiling brightly in that photo and Jacobs was staring right into my eyes. I also kept some of his clothes in my room; one of his t-shirts was under my pillow.

_Jake stood up and wandered along the beach, I didn't follow I was too busy lying on his hoodie and soaking up the sun. It felt gorgeous. _

"_Jake come sunbathe with me," I pleaded for him to come back, with my eyes closed. Jake laughed._

"_Bells, you've been sunbathing for at least an hour, I don't want to damage my skin cells anymore," he said jokingly but didn't come and lie down. A light breeze whistled through the trees and I shivered. Ugh cold and hot, not good when it was this sunny. There was too much moisture in the air now. Which meant it would probably rain today. Oh goody. _

"_Bella come and walk with me on the jetty," Jacob called loudly. I sat up to see where Jake was, he was standing beside the jetty. I didn't want to go on there it looked dangerous. I stood up and frowned at him. I didn't want him to get hurt or me for that matter. Bad luck was mandatory for me, so I was too scared to do things that might bring it on. _

That's what I was like then, scared and cowardly. I wasn't like that anymore; I didn't care what happened to me. Nothing compared to losing him. So I wasn't worried about anything that could hurt me as much as that and nothing could.

I picked up a dry pebble and skipped it over the water. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Wow the longest I have ever skipped. Jake would be proud. He would want to celebrate my achievement and that usually ended up in a trip to the infirmary.

"_Jacob please don't go it looks like it might break," I cried desperately. It really did look dangerous and I was scared. If it broke and we fell in that far out. We could drown, or something. It seemed like a clear day but the waters around here could turn at any moment. It was too risky. More wind blew through the trees and straight through me, I shivered._

"_You worry too much Bells, its fine, come on," Jake had run back to my side and was pulling me along._

"_No! Jake," I yelled and he let go of my hand. His eyes glimmered and I knew that look, I took a step backwards. But he already had me; Jake threw me over his shoulder and ran down the Jetty with me bouncing around above him. _

I can hardly remember what it feels like to hold his hand, or be held in his arms. If he came back I would never let him go. But there was no chance of that. Tears welled in my supposedly bone dry tears ducts, no not again. I had cried too much over this boy already. I blinked them back and sighed.

"_Jake. Put. Me. DOWN" I yelled, he didn't reply and continued to run all the way to the end. My ribs hurt from all the bouncing around I had been doing on his hard shoulder. Ouch, ouch, ouch. My ribs would all be bruised by the end of this. Thanks Jake. I scowled. _

"_Jake, damn it, put me down," I yelled as close to his ear as possible. Okay bad idea he swayed dangerously towards the edge and I screamed and screwed my eyes tight shut awaiting the water. We were going to fall and Jake was going to fall on top of me and I would sink and die and die and die. I tried to right myself, clawing at his t-shirt in a desperate attempt to pull myself up. _

"_Ha! Only kidding Bells," Jake laughed and put me down. I stumbled and almost toppled into the water . . . again. JAKE!!!!!!!!_

"_Whoa," Jake mumbled and pulled me back by my shirt. I was angry more than angry, I shoved him. A scowl was etched onto my face. _

"_Idiot why did you do that, I pretty much had a heart attack," I yelled. I was walking at him and he had to stumble backwards away from me. _

"_Relax Bella its fine, its not breaking," he said calmly and restrained my oncoming hands which were going to punch at his chest. Relax, RELAX! He almost threw us both into the water on purpose, when we were at least 200 metres into the ocean and that was a lot of water to swim back. No! I struggled with his strong arms and pulled a hand out of his restraint. My fist flew at him and it caught him smack in the mouth. _

"_Ouch!!!" I yelled. Jake laughed and licked the blood from his slightly slit lip. _

"_Damn it Jake, my hand really hurts." I groaned, _

"_Does this mean another trip to the infirmary?" he asked still laughing. I paled, ugh hospitals. I shook my head and clutched my throbbing hand. Jake turned around and walked to the edge. He smiled back at me. And it was contagious, a smile replaced my scowl. But his out shone mine it warmed my face and made my belly swirl. I walked towards him and clutched his hand tightly. Feeling safe. _

"_See its fine, I could probably jump up and down," Jake proceeded to jump up and down on the end of the Jetty excitably. _

"_And it wouldn't . . ." there was a sickening crack, a loud snap and splash. I screamed as the jetty collapsed underneath us. Damn it Jake._

A tear fell down my cheek and I wiped it away, feeling my scar. My lips tugged upwards but didn't form a smile. What good did it do to smile anyhow? It would never be real again. My scar, I laughed lightly, broken, fake. It didn't sound like me, I wasn't like me. I was the broken, hollowed out shell of a person. I had gone with Jake, I had forgotten about the person left behind. Bella had disappeared.

_I flailed in the water not expecting to be plunged into it, my muscles had locked and I was sinking into the icy water faster than I could save myself. But I still had time to be angry with Jake, worse than angry. Grizzly bear pissed off. Hungry pissed off. VERY pissed off._

"_You were saying Jake," I growled and gasped as sea water filled my mouth. Jake seemed just as panicked as I was. So I forgave him just a little. _

"_Bells hold on to me," Jake shouted, it took me about half of a second to comply with his request. I grabbed his shoulders and let him pull me along, through the water. He was a strong swimmer but my weight was slowing him down a little. _

I sobbed and buried my face in my hands. Why did it have to happen, why? There was no way he could drown, not being a werewolf; he was too strong, too strong. The water was nothing to him; he would have gotten to the surface in a second. Even at the depth he dove into. My eyes stung from the salt in my tears. Salt water, yuck. He must have swallowed a lot of it. The divers said he was really heavy and yeah Jake was heavy but it took seven of them to pull him out. And all me and the guys did was watch.

There was a splash and I looked up blinking away my tears. Ripples from the impact were spreading out towards me and fading. The shoe floated in and flopped over on the pebbles; I flinched and looked away up at the blue sky. An eagle was flying away with a fish in its powerful talons. It hardly seemed to flap its wings even with the added weight of its prey. So effortless. The eagle seemed so much more beautiful than the seagulls but less free maybe. Locked in one place.

_We lay panting on the shore, pebbles dug into my back and I winced. But I was too panicked to care. I sat up sharply and relief washed over me, we were alive, we were safe and if Jake ever put us in that sort of danger again I would murder him. I flew at Jake and covered his face in kisses._

"_Oh god, I love you, I love you," I cried breathless. Jacob laughed, _

"_I love you too Bells," he murmured. I was so glad we were okay. I pulled away and smiled down at him, he smiled back my smile, my sunny smile. The sun seemed even hotter now that I was soaking wet and I soaked in as many rays as I could. Um, gorgeous. _

"_I've lost one of my shoes," he mumbled, I laughed and he laughed and I continued to laugh until tears rolled down my cheeks and my belly ached. _

Jake was always good at that at making me laugh, we were always laughing, when I tripped and fell over his tool box we laughed. When I dropped the bowl of cold custard and it went all up my clothes we laughed. When I lost my balance getting onto his bed and toppled over the side we laughed. When he left a skateboard at the bottom of the stairs and I stepped onto it and rolled into the wall. We laughed. Even though I had to go to the infirmary with a concussion, it was funny.

My lips formed a smile and my cheeks ached. I had not smiled in so long. Not since I last saw my favourite smile, his smile. The day he died, his smile was fixed on his face, a constant sunbeam. It made me want to stay with him forever. To watch him smiling with each dive he did and watch him joking and laughing with his friends. Jake was happy with his friends, happy because I turned up and brought them all food. Happy because I stayed and waited while they ate. Happy because he loved me and I loved him. But I was never his soul mate and deep down I always knew that. Jake never mentioned it but it was always there eating away at the back of our minds. An almost constant distraction. Jacob promised me that he would always love me no matter who came along. It didn't matter to him. At first I hadn't liked going to the school on the reservation but after a while I enjoyed it. Because of Jacob I was happy there. When we fought for the first time, I realised that we weren't supposed to be together, but I couldn't lose him then. Not when I had no one to pick me back up.

_When we stood up, I looked at Jake and noticed he was dry. How had he dried off so fast? I was still soaked; Jake hopped from foot to foot on the scolding pebbles. I was still soaked. My clothes stuck to my body with the water and sand. I itched at my arms where the sand had collected. _

"_Jacob how come your dry already?" I mumbled and put my hand to his arm. Jake flinched away a little. He never did that. _

_My imagination was running away with me and a lump formed in my throat. The panic for his safety was taking over. His pain, my pain._

"_I don't know I just am," he muttered nervously. His arm felt warm, no boiling, fiery. I winced at the temperature. Oh no, oh god Jake._

"_Christ Jake you're boiling," I said and put a hand to his forehead. It burnt my hand and I pulled it back reflexively. He must be sick, oh god we had to leave. If he was sick we had to go tell Billy or . . . go to the infirmary, yeah the infirmary. He shouldn't be this sick. Jacob didn't get sick. _

"_You're burning up, oh my god, that sort of temperature isn't healthy we need to get you too the hospital." I cried desperately. He tore my hand away roughly. Jake seemed off. Even more reason for him to see Billy or a doctor. Jake was never off at least not with me._

_The lump in my throat was getting bigger and I swallowed. Jake was scowling at me and that meant something was very wrong. Very, very wrong._

"_No! Bella I'm fine, just leave it," he said angrily. Jake never got angry with me, what was with him? I dreaded to think. If it was something bad. I paled and shivered. _

"_Leave it? But you could be really sick; your skin should be blistering at that temperature." I croaked, I was far beyond concerned about this. I was hysterical. _

"_Bella just drop it," He shouted. No! I wouldn't drop it; he was hiding something, something important. I walked in front of him and folded my arms. Jake would tell me or he would not see me tomorrow or the next or the next until he told me the truth. _

"_No!" I challenged. Jake's brow furrowed and his jaw clenched. His hands balled into fists at his sides and I gulped. _

"_Bella!" he growled. Jacobs's whole body was shaking and I grabbed his arm to see if he was okay. _

_This was like something out of a Stephen King novel. He convulsed and shimmered, what was going on? The pebbles under his feet clattered together and cracked. I pulled my hand away. I stumbled backwards away from him. I was scared. No terrified would be the right word. Jake was . . . he was . . . scaring me. Jacob never scared me not when he woke up in the morning and stomped around looking for school clothes. Angry that it was so early in the morning. He never scared me when he wrestled with his friends and they crushed him. But he was scaring me now._

"_Jake," I said shakily and he exploded his clothes ripped apart and fell to the floor. Fur came out of his back and his face and he fell onto all fours. He wasn't human any more, he was a wolf. There was no way. Yes! I was definitely living a Stephen King novel. I stumbled backwards away from Jacob . . . the wolf. But I wasn't fast enough Jake was circling me as if I was a frightened deer. He bared his teeth and snarled. It was the single most menacing thing I have ever seen in my life. I squeezed my eyes tight shut and counted to three. When I opened my eyes he would be gone. I opened then and an angry growl ripped from the wolf. I stumbled backwards. And he sprang. _

My shoulders were shaking violently and I breathed in deep breaths to calm myself down. How could this still affect me after we had played in the woods, with him in wolf form? When he had licked all of my face in wolf form? It wasn't natural to still be afraid after that.

_What was he? Some sort of wolf? His black eyes stared down at me angrily and I thought, hoped, prayed that Jake would get of and turn back into him. No such luck, the hackles on his back rose and his teeth were bared. One of Jacobs's claws scratched down my face and I screamed, Oh god it stung, it hurt. My skin felt floppy and it was bleeding on to the floor I could see that from the corner of my eye. God it bled a lot. He bit into my shoulder and I screamed louder. I felt my flesh tear apart in his powerful jaws and I whimpered, my throat was too dry for screams now but I was in agony. _

"_Jacob stop, please stop." I cried. There was a tearing sound and a chunk of my shoulder was ripped away. Bile rose in my throat and my screams echoed around the lake, Jacob froze. The wolf's expression changed from anger to agony and it let out a heartbreaking howl. Jake, the wolf turned and ran into the trees. Tears streamed down my face and I sobbed. Blood pooled around my head. I could feel it, wet on my cheek still pouring from the slash. Oh my god. He was a, a monster. Terrifying, hideous. He, he, my boyfriend, Jake was a monster. How long had he been like that? How long, oh god._

I don't care Jacob, I don't care that you hurt me, I just, I need you. Please come back please. My unspoken pleas were pathetic, worthless. Jacob wouldn't come back to life for me. What was I? Nothing. I wasn't his soul mate; I wasn't the person that kept him here. Nope I was just a helpless bystander. The divers had not addressed me when Jake had been pulled out they addressed Sam. And he spoke in a shaky, weak voice while I wept uncontrollably. That's how bad that day was, Sam's voice was never shaky. It was strong. It was the voice of an alpha. Mind you Jake was always supposed to be the alpha. Billy should have been the alpha but the wolf gene had skipped a generation. So it had passed on to Jake and his friends. Sometimes I wished it hadn't.

Vampires made my boyfriend turn into a monster, it was there fault they started changing when they turned up. I shuddered. The mythological world did not worry me that much. There had to be something spooky going on in the world otherwise where would the stories come from? Apparently the vampires had come back two years before I moved here. Well started visiting the north eastern peninsula more often. Vampires didn't stay in one place. So why had it taken so long for Jake and his friends to change. I would say age but what did I know I didn't morph into a giant dog. In fact there weren't any female wolfs. They were all male, how sexist.

A brief smile lit my face but it didn't stay for long. It disappeared with the tide. As the water went out Jakes shoe came in.


	2. Chapter 2

**I had no idea how to upload my first chapter and what to do, so the label is wrong it is meant to be. Day 1 - And it was over. This story will be set into i think three parts. The first part is, Day 1 and that has four chapters. Oh and this story has alot of flashbacks. They are in italics. Sorry for any confusion. Lol!**

Chapter Two – Can I Move On?

_Shakily I stood up and walked along the beach, towards the road. I clutched my hand to my shoulder to stop it bleeding. But that didn't help; the blood seeped between my fingers and ran over them in lines. I could feel my cheek sting as I walked because the skin was pulling the wound further apart. I hissed through my teeth. I could hear the cars zooming down the main road through La-push. God what were they going to think I must look a mess. I was shaking like a leaf, the image of Jake morphing into a wolf and sinking his fangs into me, would not leave my mind. I shuddered. There was no way I could stay like this; I had lost far too much blood already._

_I had to find Billy and maybe Leah, Leah could drive me to hospital and Billy could talk to Jacob when he got home. Jacob just turned into a wolf, oh my god! Jacob, my boyfriend was a wolf. The road seemed daunting as I approached it, my ears were ringing and I had trouble concentrating on the road. I stumbled half way across and waited. Cars zoomed past at a ferocious speed. A red BMW convertible nearly knocked me over and the girl driving didn't even look back. She simply brushed out her hair behind her and smiled at the gorgeous boy sat beside her. Mind you they were both beautiful. The girl far more than the boy. The boy looked behind at me with a grim expression on his face, contrasting with the happy one from earlier. He tapped the girl driving and she looked back. It was like they knew me which was weird. I definitely didn't know them. They must go to the high school in forks. They seemed about my age._

_Finally I made it to the other side, having no idea how I managed it. I felt dizzy._

"_Billy" I cried hoarsely as I got closer to there house, it was right on the edge of the lake just on the other side of the road. _

_I stumbled along the path and knocked on the door, leaving a bloody knuckle print. I prayed Billy was in the house and not at sues. Or fishing with Charlie._

_Billy's wheel chair skidded along the linoleum and the door opened. He gasped, _

"_Jacob," he mumbled, I nodded weakly._

"_Why did know one tell me my boyfriend morphed into a giant dog." I croaked it was meant to sound angry but I couldn't find the strength for that. My ears rang louder and I slumped against the door frame. _

"_I don't know, I guess Sam told him not to tell," Billy muttered and picked up the phone. I felt faint the blood from my wounds was making a large puddle on the floor and my head swirled from the smell of it. Rust and salt. _

"_Hello, we need and ambulance in La-push," Billy gave the address just as I toppled to the floor. Jacob's face was imprinted behind my eyelids and I tried desperately to force it away. I hated him. Jake remained there and I sighed. _

"_Please be quick this is urgent," he yelled desperately and hung up. He was stroking my hair. _

"_Bella I will talk to Jacob, please don't hate him." He said. I did hate him, he hurt me, he didn't tell me he could morph into a wolf and he attacked me. I despised him. All I wanted to do was run as far away as I could and forget about him for the rest of my life. I was terrified of what he could become. I was terrified of him. _

* * *

I shuddered at the thought, how could I hate him now, after he drowned in the lake when he was cliff diving and it was hot, the water was still no one understands it there was no danger that day. The divers say his leg was caught in a fishing net at the bottom that was weighed down with some sort of boat engine. So now I hated the sun, it was sad and evil. It was death. It ruined everything. Jacob died on a sunny day, a harmless day.

My own personal sun went out, was extinguished by the same ocean we played in, the same ocean that we kissed in, the same ocean that we . . . I sobbed, oh god I missed Jake, I missed him so much. There was no way I hated him. I got over that. I stroked a finger down my scar which was stinging a little from the tears it still hurt sometimes. Jake never got over it, hurting me. He tried his best to hide it but. . . I could see right through him. As clear as glass, like looking at you but from another perspective because we were the same in many respects. So a part of me went with him and now I was half a person. But the person left behind wasn't much of a picnic to be around anymore.

"Bella!" Charlie shouted, I flinched I knew what he wanted. I didn't want to move. I wanted to disappear into the ground and forget everything. No! Leave me alone don't make me go in there, please. Please don't make me Charlie. Not when he meant for me to say goodbye. I didn't want to do that but he would force me if he had too.  
"Bells its about to start," he yelled, he meant the funeral, he meant Jacob's funeral. Shakily I stood up and brushed the sand off of my clothes, I was wearing a tiny black dress and a shrug, I had a black ribbon in my hair and I was wearing my boots the boots Jacob had bought for me after the accident. Also somewhat out of character I was wearing make up. I had lined my eyes with liquid eyeliner, thinly. With tiny points on my top lids. Jake thought it looked good on me, when I wore it once before. To Quil's house party.

* * *

"_Hello Bella, my name is Carlisle," My doctor said brightly, I was staring at him and not because, he was a doctor and I didn't like them but because he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. Apart from the blonde girl I had seen earlier today. _

"_Hi," I croaked, my head throbbed. _

"_Looks like you've had a serious dog bite." He said, I just nodded. _

"_Okay, we stitched your face when you first came in and we've stopped the bleeding in your shoulder, now this bite is going to need a lot of stitches and a skin graft as it will scar badly," He explained. _

"_What about my face?" I asked, he frowned a little,_

"_If you wish to have a skin graft on that you can but your insurance won't cover it as it is not that serious," He said. I nodded I could live with that, having a massive scar going down my face wouldn't be so bad. From my room I could see the forest and knew that Jacob would be out there some where, I shivered. I hoped he would not come to visit. I'd rather have them cut off my arm. At least that might stop me from stabbing him with a scalpel and as much as I hated him. I wasn't feeling so warm to the idea of committing murder. Charlie would have to arrest me. _

_And hopefully he might lock me up for good then Jake would never see me again._

"_Dr. Carlisle. Are you related to someone who owns a red BMW?" I asked suddenly thinking that he reminded me a lot of her. He smiled._

"_Yes she is my daughter, Rosalie. Did she have long blonde hair and was there a guy with dark hair with her?" he asked brightly. I nodded a little surprised at his exuberance. _

"_That was Emmett; all of my children are adopted so technically there not my children but I've had Rosalie since she was eight. Emmett is her boyfriend," he said happily. And he must be loving and not hurt her. And not morph into a giant dog and not lie to you. _

* * *

I smiled, Jacob had hated my scar every time he saw it, it reminded him of what he had done. I wasn't so fond of it either but I couldn't get rid of it now, it was part of Jacob no matter how bad the memory. And it wasn't so ugly. Just a pink line. Not puckered at all. Jake had cut me cleanly, so it healed cleanly. Sometimes I liked it. I mean now Carlisle was always my doctor I requested him whenever I had to go in for an injury. Maybe that was the good that came from it. Yes I was slightly deformed but I had an awesome doctor now. So that was a plus.

Charlie had told me that he would transfer me to forks high. I had requested it that. There was no possible way I could survive at La push high. It would seriously screw with my sanity. So in almost two days time I would be starting at a new school. Meeting new people and making new friends. Jake had died two weeks ago. And he would have expected me to be happy by now. So I would make an effort for him. Not that it would work but I would try. But trying to hard would be painful. Things were bound to spring up that reminded me of Jake. Maybe I should just choose the numbness and leave the pain, torture behind. Maybe then I could move on in a way.

* * *

_Carlisle began to stitch up my shoulder and I hissed through my teeth it hurt, even though I was drugged up with pain killers. He stitched fast but it still hurt a lot, because the bite was so big he had to really pull the skin together and it felt uncomfortable._

_When he finished, I sighed. He really was beautiful and my mind blanked just looking at him. _

"_Bella you have some visitors, shall I send them in?" he asked I nodded absent minded and he walked out. About a second later, three of Jacobs's friends, Billy and my dad walked in. I smiled and then winced because it pulled at my stitches. _

"_Hey Bella" Quil mumbled, he looked nervous._

"_Awe Bells you look a state," Paul yelled jokingly. _

"_Yeah Paul I know it's all down to the damn secret Jakes been keeping from me. Stupid, smelly dog," I screeched. Paul backed away from me like I was a psycho wielding a syringe at them. Yep let's go with the hospital theme. _

"_Bella, Jacob is here he wants to see you," I flinched at his words. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Did I want to see him, no, yes, NO! Definitely not. Well . . . shut up Bella. I sighed, damn it. _

"_Okay send him in," I mumbled gruffly. Jacob walked into the room and I gasped, he looked distraught and agonised he was carrying a shopping bag. From one of the shoe shops in Port Angeles. His eyes locked with mine and his eyes welled._

"_Oh my god," he mumbled, I just stared at him wanting to jump out of bed and hug him until his expression changed and he smiled my smile. But I couldn't he did this, he destroyed me. _

"_Bells, I'm so sorry, I'm oh god," Jakes voice cracked, tears slipped from his eyes and he rushed forward to hug me. I flinched away from the monster, the big russet wolf that was all I saw when he came at me like that. Jake stretched his arms out towards me, one of his warm hands rested lightly on my shoulder._

_I screamed, Quil, Jared and Paul all winced and I scratched at his hand trying to push him away. What right did he have to touch me after, after everything? I was going to hit him if he didn't get away from me that moment._

"_Get away from me you . . . you monster." I yelled hysterical tears streaming down my face. Jake stepped back. He handed Quil the bag._

"_Give this to her, please?" He said and walked out. My chest clenched, I couldn't help it he got to close, I felt scared of him now. Quil handed me the bag and I opened it, inside was a shoe box but it was huge, I pulled it out and threw off the lid. I didn't want a gift from him but Jared would be upset with me if I didn't at least see what it was. _

"_Ouch," Jared yelled, it had hit him in the face, inside were a pair of boots really, really long soft leather boots which went all the way to my thighs. I laughed, thigh boots, two weeks ago we had seen them whilst walking in Port Angeles and I had said you couldn't pay me a $1000 bucks to wear them. _

* * *

But I wore them now. I loved them, even then I loved them but they were ridiculous and sultry. Now they were from Jacob and Jacob was gone. I sobbed and wiped at my face, Charlie wouldn't want to see me crying again. I had been crying too much. I walked behind Charlie as we made our way into the chapel. I could see the back of Billy where he was sat at the front beside him were two empty spaces. For me and Charlie. Jakes sisters were sitting on Billy's other side. Rachel was clutching Paul's hand desperately.

I walked around slowly, numb. Rachel's face was laced with pain. She had already lost her mum and now her brother. It seemed so unfair. Billy grabbed my hand as I stood beside him he was sitting on the seats as his wheelchair was two big.

"He loved you Bella, he was sorry for hurting you," Billy croaked his voice was different now the life it once held was gone, It was flat and lifeless.

"I forgave him Billy; we were together again before it happened." I said confused.

"I know but you never knew just how sorry he was. Everyday he would look at you and feel disgusted with himself, your scar . . ." he trailed off and I sobbed. I squeezed Billy's hand and he squeezed back.

Goodbye Jake. Ha that sounded fake, I'm never going to truly be able to say goodbye to you. Everyone's here and when I say every one I mean _everyone._ Your two sisters and Rebecca's husband are here. All of the pack and there girlfriends. Leah and Seth are here. The chapel is packed there are even people outside. I'm wearing the boots Jake, remember. The ones you bought me from Port Angeles. I swore Id never wore them but it seemed horrible not to wear them today.

Oh god I miss you, I want you to come back, and I know that it's impossible but I would do anything for you to come back. My sun has been extinguished. Everything is dark. I've been so numb Jake I can't feel anything anymore. I haven't been in the lake yet Jake; I don't think I will ever go in it again. You remember that the council were going to clear away the broken bit of the jetty, I wouldn't let them Jake, it's a memory. They can't take it away.

You would laugh at us if you could see us; everyone is dressed in black, with those silly hats and tragic blouses. I wore black too. But you probably didn't want that, you probably wanted us to wear whatever we wanted and be happy. Everyone else might have been able to do that to put on a brave face and a fake smile. But I can't I wore what I wanted; I wore the boots because they are part of you. The rest is part of me, my mood, and my feelings. It's like everything is over Jake. Like the whole world is continuing to move and everyone here is moving on but I'm staying put stuck in a time loop of memories. Our memories, even the most painful ones. The ones I try my hardest to lock away but they continue to spring up like a bad dream. Bad dream is right; you seem like a dream Jacob, like you were never here. It's surreal. I'm sorry, I shouted at you, well not you at everything that day on the cliff. When they pulled you out of the water, it wasn't right. It wasn't your fault and I damned you. Billy says I never knew how sorry you were, it doesn't matter how sorry you were, I forgive you, and I would forgive everything and everyone who has ever upset me if you came back Jake. But you won't will you, you're where you're supposed to be, that's what Sam says and Billy and Charlie. But of course I'm selfish so I don't listen to them. I need you Jake.


	3. Chapter 3

**

* * *

**

Enjoy!

Chapter Two – If I was sad before, now its worse.

_I got to leave the hospital today; Jared came to help pack my bag. _

"_Jake's really messed up about this Bells, please talk to him," Jared moaned at me, while I was here Jakes friends had filled me in on the whole "morphing into a wolf" thing. They were all werewolves all of Jacobs friends, some of them had imprinted, imprinting was like love at first sight but more powerful, it was finding your soul mate but more. There was Jared and Kim, Sam and Emily, Quil and Claire and that was it so far. Jacob hadn't imprinted on me, I wasn't his soul mate but until he imprinted I was his._

_During my LONG stay at the hospital I had decide to forgive him. It seemed fitting since I now knew the whole deal and knew that it kind of wasn't his fault. Knowing that I couldn't really hate him although the morphing dog thing still frightened me. According to Jared, Jacob was depressed and was spending all his time locked in his garage refusing to morph. _

"_I'm going to forgive him Jared, I love him," I sighed as I realise how true my words were. Jared beamed at me,_

"_Thanks Bells," he said, Jared wanted to see Jake happy, none of the pack likes it when one them was in pain. We finished packing and walked out of the room. My bag bit into my shoulder and I winced as the stitches were still in it. The ones in my face had been removed._

_Dr. Cullen was walking gracefully down the corridor towards us._

"_Why, oh yes you're being allowed to go home, well it was nice meeting you Bella," he said brightly and smiled at me, I concentrated on forming a coherent reply. After all I wasn't blessed with being allowed to control my brain when he was around. He seemed to remove that common courtesy and replace it with brain frying and leg jellying. His eyes sent my heart pulsing at a fierce rate. They were a bright topaz. Gold butterscotch, kind of caramel coloured. _

"_Um, yes I' am, it was nice meeting you to Carlisle, I will probably be back soon," I said and it was true, I was so clumsy, I was bound to fall and damage some part of my body. _

"_Clumsy?" he said and laughed, I nodded,_

"_Goodbye then Bella," he said, _

"_Goodbye Carlisle," I exclaimed and turned to follow Jared to the front desk. _

* * *

Tears streamed silently down my face as Billy finished his eulogy to Jake, his son. Most of the people in the room were sobbing. I kept the stoniest face I could. My emotions were too fragile right now to be let loose I would probably scream the place down. Rachel clapped and Paul stood up to lift Billy down off of the podium and into his chair. Jake had always helped Billy and a sob caught in my throat. As I Paul morphed into Jake and placed Billy in the wheel chair. Hallucinations, nice Bella.

". . . And now Bella will say a few words," Paul said into the microphone. I paled this was the part I had been dreading. I tended to avoid attention if I could help it. Wish me luck Jake, go ahead and laugh when I trip on the tiles and fall flat on my face. Shakily I stood up and walked over to the podium. Billy squeezed my hand as he wheeled past me. I stood and looked over the sea of faces.

"Hi," I mumbled into the microphone.

"Hi Jake, you better listen to this." The crowd laughed a little and Billy smiled at me.

"So Jake look at us, I bet you're totally confused as to why there are so many people her," another laugh.

"Well Jake everyone loved you, I loved you, you were my own personal sun and now it's like I'm in darkness. Like my light has been extinguished. I miss you." My voice cracked and more tears rolled down my cheeks. This was so hard, my throat felt dry and I gulped. Sweat laced my brow.

"The past tense is so over rated, we all love you Jake, and I love you. Even though you're probably laughing at all our gloomy faces and our black clothes, but I don't think I could fake a smile for you Jake or put on a brave face. I can't bear it without you. I wish you were still here. I sat by the sea today but . . . I couldn't touch the water and it looked too peaceful, after what it did. I hate it. Guess what Rachel and Paul are together. No! Don't worry about her. She's happy." Rachel smiled weakly. But the agony in her eyes leaked through.

"Claire turned three; she's even cuter now, if that's possible." I laughed weakly and scanned the crowd for her she was sitting on Quil's knee. Quil smiled at me encouragingly. I clutched the microphone and stared out of the chapel door. I stared at the trees which were now swaying side to side in a light breeze.

"You probably know all this already, I forgive you Jake, I love you, we love you, and I miss you so much. I know that you probably want me to be happy and to move on but I don't know if I can, I'm scared."

Billy smiled sadly.

"So anyway, Jake you were the most beautiful person I have ever met. You did everything you could to help your family and your friends. You have definitely left your mark and no one will ever fill it.

Goodbye Jake" I sobbed. I stumbled down from the podium and everyone clapped loudly. How could they clap after that? I blinked away more tears that were threatening to embarrass me.

* * *

"_Hi Jake," I said brightly, _

"_Bella," Jacob spun around in surprise. I smiled at him and he smiled back, my smile, my favourite smile. The clouds parted and my sun appeared shining brightly, Jacob shined brightly. Not surprisingly though rain pounded down outside the garage well it was north eastern peninsula. _

"_What are you doing here?" he asked stunned,_

"_Well Jared said that you were upset still so I came to tell you that I forgive you, that I love you," I said brightly. Jake looked shocked and I flinched. I was expecting him to wrap me in his arms and kiss me until I melted. This wasn't what I had hoped for. I blushed with chagrin. Jake smiled at that and pulled me into a hug. He kissed me, I sighed and kissed him back I had missed this. Jacob was working on two motorbikes that I had found. I would have though he would stop when we were fighting but they looked almost done. _

"_Jake how much did you do to the bikes?" I asked, he blushed_

"_A lot while you were in the hospital it was all I did." He said sadly and stroked his finger down the scar on my face, it had healed quickly. _

"_Are they almost done?" I said smiling. Jacob beamed,_

"_Yes all they need is a clean and the Harley needs some body work done, but we apart from that there good to go." Jake exclaimed. I moved over to them and ran my hand over the already glistening body of my new Red bike. I felt elated. I wanted to ride out right now._

"_Can we go now?" I said smiling, Jake laughed,_

"_Not unless you want to get soaked in the rain, Bells." Jake said brightly. NO! Definitely not. I didn't really fancy a shower courtesy of forks. To cold for my tastes._

* * *

Rachel hugged me tightly and I froze, uncomfortable and embarrassed.

"Thank you Bella that was exactly what he would have wanted." She mumbled into my hair, now partly wet from her tears. She let go of me and walked towards the pack, clutching Paul's hand. Billy wheeled up beside me and sighed.

"You did great Bells," he murmured and wheeled away. I sighed, I didn't do great, I just babbled on about nothing. But everyone seemed to think it was perfect, oh Jake, you've brought everyone together. Of course except for the vampires. I doubt any of your enemies have attended. But the vampires don't come here often do they? And they don't settle in one place. Jared brought me over a plate of food. A hot dog lay on the side.

"I don't want this," I choked, Jared gasped and took the hot dog off of my plate.

"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry. I forgot," he mumbled, shaken. Jared sniffed.

"Awe Jay, it's alright, I just got over sensitive," I said brightly to lighten the mood. Well I say brightly but my voice was flat, broken. Jared's pleading expression dropped and became serious.

"We miss him to Bell's, so much, the packs scattered, we don't meet up anymore," he sighed his voice cracking, Jared's eyes welled and a few tears escaped before he wiped them all away. I wish I could do that, wipe them away. The pack must be going through so much pain right now, even more than me, there losing a part of them. I'm not, Jacob wasn't my soul mate and I wasn't his. Just like Leah. She was here today too. Just like everyone else from the reservation. Part of Sam so just as heart broken as me. I was just too selfish to see other people's pain. I only see my own Jake, please don't hate me.

All the mourners were filtering into the council meeting hall, for music and to mingle and remember Jake. I followed loosely behind them with Jared squeezing my hand, for both our sanity. I guess the pack saw me as part of Jacob too, he loved me, and I was part of him to an extent. Kim appeared with some food and grabbed Jared's other hand, she smiled over me and I flinched back, smiling wasn't my forte at the moment. Classic Jacob tracks began to play. Songs that reminded everyone of him.

I spotted Charlie and Billy talking in the corner. Billy was destroyed without Jake; Rachel had to move up here permanently to take over Jakes jobs. He missed him so much. Like all of us. New music began to play and I spun around on my heels. Our playlist. No! No! How could Billy do this, I burst into tears and as each song played my hysteria grew. Our songs were ordered least favourite to favourite. So the longer the playlist went on the harder it got to listen to and the more memories filtered in.

* * *

_My eyes opened and looked around an unfamiliar room, well actually it was very familiar just not so familiar to wake up in. I groaned and turned my head into the pillow. I was still tired and I hugged the quilt cover around me. Landslide by Fleetwood Mac was playing quietly in the background. Our playlist. I smiled. _

* * *

Embry wrapped his arms around me, to calm me down, to stop me crying but it didn't help. The songs got more unbearable and I pulled away from him trying desperately to block EVERYTHING out.

Symphonie began to play. This was too much, a death sentence. How anyone play this song. Oh yeah because it was one of Jakes faves not to mention his girlfriend who was still living. My bottom lip quivered and tears welled in my eyes. The guitar was getting louder; the drums would come in, in a moment. I swayed; nothing could make me hate this song. But that didn't make it any less hard to listen too. 'Den es ist zeit, say shein zu geschstill das es nicht gibt. Es gibt micht meer zu redden, den est du bregnet. Es ist besser auf zu geben' It was the onstage version.

The sob that I had been holding back escaped through my lips. Charlie looked at me and visibly winced, did I look that bad. Was I that affected by all this. The answer of course was yes, yes I was. Every fibre of my being was broken and hurting and 'Symphonie' didn't help.

* * *

_I felt something touch my lips and my eyes snapped open, Jacob pulled away and smiled. The music was louder now. Symphonie by Silbermond was playing, it was in German but we didn't care, it was our favourite. Jacob wrapped me in his arms and kissed me until I was dizzy. _

"_Mmmnn" I mumbled and he slipped under the covers with me. _

* * *

"Turn it off," I screamed. No one heard me,

"Turn it off," I screamed, louder everyone span around. I shot a begging look at Charlie who ran to the stereo system. The music stopped but I could see it was only the pause button Charlie had pressed, I flinched.

"Bella, Bella, its okay," Embry soothed, no it wasn't okay, Jake was gone, he was gone. I couldn't breathe. Jared put a hand on my shoulder.

"No!" I yelled and both of then flinched away.

"I can't do this; I can't believe that, I don't want him to be gone. He can't be gone," I sobbed helplessly.

"Bells, you watched them pull him out, he's gone Bells, and you have to accept it. You have to move on, it's hurting us to see you this way." Jared sobbed. I could hear the stereo buzzing reminding me that it was still there, ready to play our music.

"I'm sorry Jay, I can't accept it. I don't want to," I cried. Everyone was staring at me and I buried my face in my hands. I could hear Billy wheeling towards me and I looked down at him sadly. All I saw was Jake's eyes and I sobbed. Billy winced and grabbed my hand.

"Maybe the playlist wasn't such a good idea, but I miss his music Bells, its not playing anymore," he sighed. I understood, it wasn't fair of me to act so selfish but I could stay here and listen to it. I would end up more destroyed that walking out of the chapel then I was walking in.

"Goodbye Billy," I sobbed. And I ran away, away from the music. Away from everything.

"Bella! The cremation, were scattering . . ." he trailed off; I couldn't listen to anything more about Jacob being dead. I couldn't take it; I didn't want to believe it.

* * *

_Jake slipped out of the bed leaving me wrapped in his t-shirt. _

"_Night Bells," he whispered and kissed my forehead._

"_I love you Jake," I mumbled, he chuckled and kissed my lips lightly. _

"_Love you too, Bells," he whispered and left the room silently._

_I was blissed and fell asleep his with my face buried in his t-shirt. _

* * *

My boots clattered on the tiles as I ran from the church, I had to get out of here. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The lake didn't seem like such a good idea, where would I go, I just wanted to be away from Jacob away from everything that would remind me of him. I saw my red motorbike parked next to Charlie's cruiser. What was it doing here, as far as I knew it was locked away in Jakes garage, I couldn't ride it without the key anyway. But there they were dangling from the ignition. What the hell, well it was a good mode of escape. I got on it and kicked the peddle then grabbed the clutch. I was away releasing the clutch gently and speeding off. Whoever left the bike there, knew me very well, but who? Not Quil or Jared the only person I could think of was Jacob but not even he would think of that and he was gone. My dress was riding up around my waist and I didn't care that everyone could see my pants. I was crying and I didn't care that I wasn't wearing a helmet to hide them. And I didn't care that Jake was being cremated right now and I wouldn't be their to say goodbye. Wait what, I should turn back, no, no I couldn't, I would remember Jake in my own way. Watching people toss him into the wind would not help my lingering sanity. There was a turning on my left through the trees and I took it. Not knowing where it went. Nothing seemed to matter to me anymore. My hair was flying out behind me and the sun was shining on my face. Like Jake was smiling at me, wherever he was. I didn't want to say goodbye, I didn't want it to be final. If I believed for a second that he was gone forever he wouldn't come back. Jacob was all I had even now. More tears fell down my face and I couldn't see where I was going. I lifted one hand up and wiped the tears away. My eyes focused back on the road and I forced myself to ignore the tears that were threatening to yet again spill over. A Yellow Ferrari speeding towards me. It came out of no where and was going at an incredible speed. I swerved dangerously out of the way to avoid it and lost control.

* * *

"_Jake?" I mumbled blearily, fluffing my hair with my hand. I yawned and fiddled with his t-shirt that I was wearing. _

"_I'm in the kitchen Bells," he yelled, I smiled and sniffed he was making breakfast, I could smell bacon. My stomach growled and I ran into the kitchen surprised at how hungry I was. Jake turned away from the frying pan and looked at me. _

"_You look good in my t-shirt," he exclaimed and smiled. I felt warm, his mood made everything bright and sunny. _

"_Well maybe I will wear it more often," I laughed. _

"_Yes, but you can't wear anything else that would defeat the object, so you have to come around more often," he said huskily and buried his face in my hair as I wrapped my arms around his waist. The smell of burning sausages filled my nose. _

"_Jake something burning." I said and laughed out loud. Jacob spun around and pulled them out of the oven just as they caught fire. _

"_Ouch fuck," he cursed and chucked them into the sink, he turned on the sink and smoke filled the room. I clutched at my stomach to stop myself laughing, tears streamed down my face and Jacobs face appeared through the smoke. He grinned and grabbed my face, kissing every inch of it. _

"_Mmmnn Jake, what about breakfast," I muttered, _

"_Later," he mumbled and picked me up; I wrapped my legs around his waist and screeched with laughter as he knocked the bookcase over running into the front room to the couch. _

* * *

My bike swerved and I screamed as it hit the wall. The impact threw me into the trees. Branches hit me and scratched at my skin. Then impact, I landed on the hard, floor. I hissed with pain, my leg hurt a lot. I felt down to it, it was wet with blood. Lots of blood. My eye sight was fading, the light was dimming. I felt faint. My eyes closed, hopefully I'll see you soon Jake.

* * *

_I started my truck which was still parked outside, Jakes house. Today it was full of food. Which I had bought last night in preparation for today. I followed the road up to the cliffs where Jacob and the pack were cliff diving today. They said that they did it to unwind. To me it seemed like a whole lot of stupid and I shied away from even the idea. It scared me that Jake chose to put himself in danger; mind you he put himself in danger hunting vampires. There venom was lethal to Werewolves. A shiver ran down my spine. As I turned the bend the pack came into view and I was just in time to see Jared throw himself off the edge and plunge into the still, clear lake. Oh goody. It was just the suspense and fear I needed except I'd rather pay eight bucks to see it at the movies at least movies weren't real. _

"_Bella," Jake yelled and waved his arms. I smiled and waved back, seeing him filled me with happiness, I was almost empty without him around._

"_One sec," he yelled,_

"_No Jake!" I yelled out of wound down window. It was sunny today. Rare for La-push and Forks for that matter. He froze and I parked the truck. He opened my door and smiled my smile. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me out of the car swinging me around in a circle. I screamed playfully and kissed him._

"_Hey knock it off, where's the food Bells, I'm ravenous," Quil grumbled, that was the longest word I had ever heard him use. _

"_Wow Quil have you been READING the DICTIONARY" I joked as Jake put me down. Everyone laughed and Quil smirked. I stood at the back of my truck. They were all waiting patiently, except Paul. _

"_Come on Bell's hand it over," Paul whined. I grinned and pulled back the tarpaulin revealing there LARGE luncheon. And I'm not kidding about it being large; it could feed an entire school for at least two days. They all dived in except Jake, who wrapped me in another hug, _

"_Thanks Bells," he whispered into my ear and set me down to go and eat. The back of my truck was empty of food as it was scattered on the floor surrounded by the pack. Jake began to eat with them and at least a quarter of it was gone. I sighed and sat down beside him with my head on Jakes shoulder. _

* * *

I felt woozy and my head spun. I wasn't dead. I could still feel the pain in my leg and god was there a lot of it. I screamed in agony.

Where had the yellow car gone? I looked towards the road and saw the top of it. It had stopped oh crap.

"Hello," someone called. There voice was so beautiful, like Doctor Carlisle's. Jeez how could I remember that it was so long ago that I met him? My eye sight went blurry and I closed my eyes once more.

* * *

"_Thanks for the food Bells," Jared belched, _

"_Yeah we owe you," Embry laughed, I shook my head, _

"_Its all good guys." I said brightly and got into my truck. Jake kissed me through the window and sighed. _

"_I'll see you later," he grumbled not wanting me to leave._

"_Yes!" I grinned, he smiled back and my insides swirled just like it always did when he smiled my smile. My sun came out even though it was already sunny and it outshone the sun in the sky. But still I loved it, the one in the sky. When it was sunny, in Forks it put me in an immediate good mood. And this was definitely my kind of day._

"_Jacob your up, you can make out with your girlfriend later." Quil yelled playfully. Jake turned and ran back to them. I smiled he was happy, with his friends. I couldn't watch him plunge off the cliff though so I did a Uey and sped off back down the road. In my wing mirror I saw him falling, watched him dive gracefully into the water. Saw the splash. I waited and waited. My palms began to sweat. The pack hovered at the edge waiting for him to surface. No! NO! I hit the breaks and turned the key in the ignition, the engine died. I watched Sam plunge into the water after Jake and come back up, watched Jared follow after him. It was then I got out of the car. I felt numb this couldn't be happening. _

"_Quil," I yelled as loud as I could and he turned around to me. _

"_Bella," he shouted. I looked down at the water to see Sam and Jared waving at me frantically. Jake, Jake, Jake. I ran, I've never run so fast in my life back up to the top of the cliff. He had to re-surface, he had too. I ran to the edge of the cliff about to jump, _

"_No! Bella, he'll be fine. Don't jump." Quil said urgently. But he wouldn't be fine not after being under for so long, something was wrong. I could feel it building in the pit of my stomach. Paul had his phone in his hand and was speaking urgently into it. I couldn't hear what he was saying but I only grasped the atmosphere at that moment. Everything slowed down. I stood frozen at the edge my legs itching to move one more step. There would be on stopping it I would plunge into the ocean with Jared and Sam. I would swim down through the water and pull Jake up. He would be fine. He wouldn't die._

* * *

It felt like that now but I was the one dieing, It seemed to take forever for me to take one breathe. I was completely numb. Was the car still there I didn't want to move, to break the spell. I hadn't known that anyone lived down here. But then I didn't know forks very well. I spent most of my time in La-push. Used to spend most of my time in La-push.

My eye sight was hazy; the trees were swaying uncomfortably, the colours, green. Melding into each other and causing weird patterns. Like I was high but no I was just hallucinating again. Losing blood did that to you.

"Hello, are you alive?" The twinkling voice said again. They were still here.

"Yes, I croaked as loud as I could. There was on way they could hear that.

"Okay then we will phone for ambulance." They replied. What how did they hear that I was so far away. I could hear the faint sound of footsteps.

"You called about an emergency." Another twinkling voice said, this one was deeper, velvety, and beautiful. I melted on the ground; it had to be a guy. I, I. My eyes refocused and I listened intently. Ignoring the agony in my leg as I let go of the numbness.

"Yes, I knocked down a girl on a motorbike. She wasn't wearing a helmet. She was dressed all in black and I think she was coming in the direction of La-push. So she must have been attending the Black funeral. She isn't from the reservation though." The other twinkling voice said. I sighed I wanted the other voice.

"Okay so, so . . . do you think its Carlisle's patient. You know the girl that is always coming into the infirmary with an injury . . . you know the one with the dog bite." He knew me a light smile tugged at my lips. No! Stop it.

"Oh yes. I forgot about her. Isn't she the one that y . . . so the bike is. You put . . ." the drivers voice trailed off.

"Yes that's right" the gorgeous mans voice said brightly. A smile spread across my face and I had no idea why. How could a voice affect me like this? Jacob was probably being scattered right now and all I could do was lie here drooling.

"I will go check her over and . . ." the gorgeous, head spinning, belly swirling voice trailed off. And a fierce, menacing growl ripped from his throat. I flinched. It was even scarier that Jacobs when he hurt me. Gravel scratched the bottom of his show as he crouched. Well I think it was crouch. I couldn't tell because of course. I couldn't see. But I knew he wasn't coming to check me over any more something was wrong. I just couldn't find the energy to care. The growling got louder and I could hear him walking slowly towards me through the trees. I would see him. I would know he is. I would, I would.

Wind brushed my face and I didn't care that it was sunny and the light was filtering through the trees causing a speckled pattern on my battered body. Jake was being scattered right now and I was waiting for a man with a beautiful voice to come and find me. I wanted him to find me. I wanted him to, to.

"Em, grab him, get him out of here." The car driver ordered. The growling faded getting further away. No don't leave me. I want the voice, I want him to stay. He won't morph into a wolf, I, I. Sirens were wailing in the distance, my ambulance had arrived.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – He's here. 

"Internal bleeding. We have to have an OR prepped for when we get to the hospital. I will do the surgery. She has a head injury. Her leg is broken. The bone has penetrated the muscle and skin in the front of her calf. Bella is in for a rough recovery but that's what comes when you drive down a private road." A twinkling voice said. This time it was Carlisle. We were in an ambulance, I could feel us moving. I looked around the interior. Where was my bike? Was it still crashed into the wall? What was happening at the funeral? What was with all the questions?

* * *

_Trucks pulled up on the cliff and ten humungous men jumped out of them. They rushed around pulling equipment out of the back of the trucks. And I stood there numb, staring down at the water. Expecting bubbles to appear at any moment but none did. The men were geared up in diver's outfits. I paled they were going down there to get Jake. They expected to find him dead. I couldn't watch this, or could I? Could I watch them pull him out, could I wait for them to tell me he was dead or did I already know? It had been about forty-five minutes since Jacob dove off the cliff and there was no sign of him. The pack was huddled in a circle. Sam and Jared had come up just as the divers had arrived and they were already dry. Warm through. I felt icy. _

_I watched Paul stand and run into the trees, Sam stood to call him back but he was already gone. The leaves stirred and I realised he had fazed. He couldn't come back now unless he had removed his clothes before he fazed, they would be ripped to shreds if he hadn't and he could hardly return naked. _

"_What was that about Sam?" I asked hesitantly. Sam's brow furrowed and he turned to me with a grim expression, I didn't like that. _

"_Some of us think that Jake is gone, that he drowned but we don't want to believe it yet," Sam's voice wobbled and he turned away from me and stared across the water. _

"_Paul believes it already," I mumbled. I definitely felt cold right through, now. It was like the wind had been knocked out of me. Sam nodded gravely, I nodded and turned slowly towards the trees. Glaring deep into the heart. Jared touched my arm and I winced. _

"_Jake will. . ." Jay trailed off as I spun around. _

"_He'll what Jay, he'll be fine?" I yelled desperately. Jared's eyes softened and he pulled me into a hug. Sobs rose in my throat and I sobbed into his shirt. Soaking the front. _

_Apparently if he had not imprinted on Kim, Jared might have asked me out. I wouldn't have objected. I really liked Jared and if Jake hadn't have come along. I would probably have gone with him as well. _

_He knew me almost as well as Jake did. _

_A wolfs heartbroken howl filled the trees and the cliff. We all looked towards the trees. Paul was in pain he though Jake was dead, to him his pack had been torn apart and it hurt. It was like losing a brother to him, to them. I watched Jared wince._

"_Paul will be okay, when Jake finds out he thought he was dead, he'll be pissed." Quil joked. I sobbed. What if Jake wasn't okay and that seemed more of a possibility every second that had passed. The divers had been down there now for two hours. And I was getting more and more anxious. I pulled away from Jared and paced the top of the cliff. _

"_We have to phone Billy." I said and my voice cracked. Oh god Billy would be crushed, his wife and then his son. Two people dieing. His two daughters never visited if they could help it and he would be on his own if, if. _

"_Embry ring Billy, explain. Bella I will take your truck and get him up here." Sam ordered frantically. Obviously they all sensed the situation was grave. Because they all tensed visibly at Sam's tone of voice. My chest clenched. _

* * *

There were trays on a table beside me. I turned my head sideways to see what was on it. Mostly trauma instruments and of course first aid stuff. There was gauze, needles and special thread for stitches. There were drugs to put you to sleep. Um, Anaesthetic. There were pain killers as well. A machine was flashing behind it and the wires trailed along the floor. I followed the wires and saw they led to me. Oh I was being monitored. Sensors were stuck to my chest. Joy. I wanted to rip them off.

"Her heart rate is dropping and her pulse is all over the place." One of the paramedics yelled to Carlisle. Was it I hadn't noticed I felt fine. I was relaxed and not in complete agony like I had been all day.

"Blue light," Carlisle shouted to the driver and for once he didn't sound calm. He was worried and anxious. Was I really in that much danger. Well now that he mentioned it. I felt dizzy like something was pressing on the inside of my skull and my insides hurt.

"Carlisle," I croaked. No answer. Had he heard me he must have done. I would try later. There were no windows in the ambulance, the only one was out the front and I couldn't see it. I wanted to see the trees. Carlisle was wearing casual clothes. He must have come straight from his house. Oh, I had disrupted his time with his family. I hissed through my teeth as one of the paramedics did something to my leg.

* * *

_Sam pulled up in my van with Billy beside him. I froze. Oh crap. Billy was here now and this whole situation had just got worse. The divers had found Jake and. I stared out at the setting sun and sobbed. A dog barked in the distance and wind swirled around us fast and cold. He was saying goodbye and I hated it. _

"_No! No, no" I screamed at the ocean at the sun at the sky. Sam lifted Billy out of the truck and into his wheel chair. _

"_Bella," Jared mumbled and put his arms around me, blocking out the sun. _

_The divers had emerged from the water about fifteen minutes ago; they had said that Jake had been found. Jacob was on the bottom, floating, lifeless. His eyes wide open. I had screamed when they told me that. Screamed so loud that everyone covered there ears. I had pummelled the diver's chest and shouted at him. Jake was dead, he was dead, he was dead. They told me his mouth was wide open and he was mouthing a word. A name. I felt sick, sick to my stomach. Sick of the sun and this whole stinking planet. Jacobs's leg was caught in a net and it looked as if he had been trying to get himself out because the net was ripped but the strangest thing was that he was naked. Well that's what they said; it wasn't strange to me or the pack. It just told us that he had fazed and fazed back when he, he . . . he died. When the last bit of air left his lunges. _

_I sobbed. I could hear Billy's wheel chair moving over the gravel and I flinched. I didn't want to face him, not now. I was soaking Jared's shirt again but he didn't seem to mind and tangled his fingers in my hair. I held onto him tightly. _

"_It isn't fair, Jay," I whispered my voice wobbling dramatically. Jay tightened his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. Moving his hands to my waist and holding me tight. _

"_I know believe me, he's like my brother Bells," Jared's voice cracked. It was bothering them too I had to remind myself of that. I couldn't be selfish and think I was the only one being ripped apart from the inside. But I was probably the only one who hated the sun and the sea and was in complete darkness now. My sun was gone, Jake was dead. _

_I couldn't except that as hard as I tried, I couldn't adjust to that idea. My mind just spat it back out whenever I began to register it properly. He was dead but I couldn't believe that he was completely gone. _

* * *

I had a mask over my mouth and I pulled it off in disgust.

"Hey Doc, I didn't know you were paramedic as well." I murmured. He smiled.

"Yes Bella. I'm trained in most medical fields." He explained. Wow he was a brain whiz. I felt weird. I must be drugged up to my eye balls.

"I'm sorry Doc; I didn't know the road was private. Do you live down there?" I asked. My eyes closed with out my permission and I forced them open. We were definitely in an ambulance. When had that happened I couldn't remember being put in an ambulance. I must have passed out. Carlisle smiled briefly and injected me with morphine. Ouch, needles. Yuck.

"Yes I do Bella. My daughter ran you over." He said and laughed lightly. I laughed too it did seem kind of weird.

"Rosalie?" I asked. Trying to keep talking, it wasn't really working. If I stopped I would close my eyes and then I would fall asleep I didn't want to do that.

"No, Alice." He said and applied pressure to my leg. I yelped.

"Sorry Bella but your leg is broken and it won't stop bleeding. We will have to get you straight into surgery when we get to the hospital . . . oh no, now were at the hospital." He said urgently. Everything seemed to happen at once the ambulance came to a sudden stop. We must have been going super fast. The paramedics rushed around strapping me to the gurney I was on. It hurt they were strapping me down to tight, I writhed against the restraints and the paramedics grabbed my arms and pushed me down flat.

* * *

_The divers had been down there for fifteen minutes. We had been out on the cliff for six hours and now they were bringing Jake up to the surface. Jared squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I was so tense like I would snap in half at the slightest pressure. Jake was dead. The man I loved was dead. What was I meant to do now? _

_The moon made the water glisten and I watched the surface stir with the waves. Any moment the divers were going to break through the surface and drag Jake to the pebble bay at the bottom of the cliff to the left. Any moment now. Billy was sat in the truck waiting, sadly for the moment. Preparing himself, maybe. None of us were prepared, none of us could prepare. Jake had dove in and he hadn't come back up it was as simple as that, easy. That sort of thing was hard to prepare for when someone had died so easily. Embry was standing beside Jared and I, his hand in Quils. It was unfair. Embry and Quil were Jakes best friends. He loved them and they loved him and now they were going to watch him being pulled dead out of the beautiful, ugly ocean. I was trying to hide it, the agony in that kept filtering through my expression but Jared like he always did, had noticed. Jared hugged me tightly and kissed my hair. _

"_Its okay Bells, you can lose it, we wont think any less of you," Jared assured me, my legs wobbled and I tried to stop them but they buckled under me. Jared caught me and lowered me gently to the grass. I sobbed into his legs my shoulders shaking. The truck door opened. No I didn't want Billy to see me like this. Footsteps approached that wasn't Billy. Paul pulled me up and buried his face in my shoulder, Paul was back when had that happened? And he wasn't naked. I sobbed into his neck, screams were forming in my throat but I couldn't do it. I couldn't scream out my anger. Anger at Jacob. _

"_Bells . . . the divers," Jared croaked, I pulled away from Paul and ran to the edge of the cliff. The wind blew through my hair, swirling it around my face. I glared at the sky. The divers had broken through the surface of the water, seven of them. They were holding onto to something, Jake, his long hair floated on the water. I screamed. _

"_Bella," Jared soothed and walked towards me. No I didn't want any comfort right now. I ran towards the cliff road and headed full pelt towards the pebble bay. I stumbled on rocks and tree roots. Pushed at the over grown bushes which had grown onto the path off the cliff road. The path to the bay. They were running after me. I couldn't hear any wheels; Billy was still in the truck. _

"_Jake, Jake, Jake," I whispered under my breath. The foot falls were closing in and I sped up a little. We had almost reached the bay and brambles cut at my face. Leaving deep scratches and thorns in my cheeks, I winced as one cut into my scar. _

_The path opened up to the water. My eyes scanned the water and I saw the divers wading through the water, with Jacob. I stepped forward, my breathe caught in my throat. Sam stepped in front of me and waded out to meet them. I saw his hand shake as he helped them pull Jake in. A strangled sob came from my mouth and my legs shook. I reached out,_

"_Jake," I mumbled and stepped blearily forward. It was so surreal. The divers and Sam pulled him onto the beach and I heard the pebbles clicking together. The divers looked tired._

"_He's full of water, dead weight," they said to Sam. I sobbed nice choice of words. You tactless morons. Jake seemed so peaceful, the divers had closed his mouth and eyes. He looked like he was sleeping. He could be asleep. _

"_He has been dead a long time, we believe me must have died about five minutes after going under" the divers told Sam. I barely heard it I had dove at Jake and was shaking him lightly.  
"Jake wake up, you're sleeping, just sleeping" I begged him to wake up and I got no answer._

"_Jake," I cried desperately. No answer._

"_Please don't be dead." I sobbed. No answer. No answer, no answer, no answer. _

"_Answer me Jake, answer me. Wake up. You have to wake up," I yelled and sobbed into his face. He wasn't waking up. Someone grabbed my shoulders and I yelped._

"_Bells, come on get up," Jared mumbled. He pulled me too my feet and I pummelled his chest. He grabbed my fists._

"_He wont wake up Bella, he isn't going to answer you, its over." Jared said blankly. _

"_No," I squeaked._

"_No!" I squeaked again. I gave up and slumped against his chest. It was over, it was over. My sun was gone. My personal sun would never shine again. Never. _

* * *

Carlisle opened the doors and a bright light shone directly into my eyes. That couldn't be the sun.

"Carlisle is the sun out?" I asked grimly. When I crashed the sun had definitely been out but this seemed too bright to be the sun. Maybe it was, no it couldn't be.

"No it's raining I think it's still sunny in La push though," he said. I was happy my chest was swelling. I smiled brightly. Jacob was back. It was my own personal sun. I wanted to run around in circles and cover his face in kisses. I wanted to tie him to the floor so he couldn't leave me again.

"Jacob" I yelled.

"Jacob" I yelled again. I was wheeled out of the ambulance and I stretched my arms out for the light. For Jacob. I ignored the pain as I stretched. I wanted him to be real. It had to be Jake. Before I had been irrational. The twinkling, beautiful, gorgeous voiced man. Wasn't for me he was, something else.

"Take her hands." Carlisle ordered. No reply. I writhed in the straps reaching for my personal sun. For Jake. Nothing. I tore at the straps ripping them off and reaching precariously towards the light. I was slipping. But there was nothing that could possibly make me care. Jacob was alive. Denial.

"Damn it, take her hands." Carlisle was getting impatient as he tried to lie me back down. I wasn't having that. He couldn't stop me from holding Jake.

"I know but that's what she believes right now, it must be hurting you, I'm sorry," Carlisle said to him, what, what was he talking about Jake hadn't said anything.

"Jacob." I cried, tears welling my eyes. Why didn't he hold me? I couldn't even see him but I didn't care. He was there my light was back. Arms encircled me and I sobbed with relief. I was right not to say goodbye to him, now he had come back because I had refused too. That was my gift to Jake he could come back now, he could be with me.

"Thank you," Carlisle whispered. I snuggled my face into Jacobs's chest and sighed. His hands rubbed soothing circles on my back and fire bubbled under my skin. Electricity shot through my veins. This was different to before he died. It was better. I was being pushed along really fast through the corridors. How could Jake keep up?

"I love you, I'm so glad your back." I mumbled into his chest. The constant pain in my chest was gone. I hadn't really noticed it was always there until it was gone. It just came in bouts of different strengths. Sometimes it hurt so much I couldn't breathe and my lunges felt ripped apart. The doctors were shouting orders at each other; I felt a sharp prick in my arm. Where were we I looked up? We were in a dimly lit room. The OR.

My sun still shone brightly and I sighed happily. A man dressed in blue scrubs with a mask over his face and a surgery cap on arranged the instruments on a tray. The scalpel, the clamp, suction. I paled. Ew they would slice into my skin and the blood would ooze around the scalpel and, and. Oh I felt sick.

Carlisle walked into the room, tying a surgical cap around his head he and putting on the mask.

"You need to leave," he addressed Jacob. No! No, he would disappear. No he couldn't leave me. I felt kind of faint and tried to sit up I couldn't. So I screamed.

"NO! No don't make Jake leave. He'll disappear again. He'll die again. NO! No please." I begged, his arms tightened around me and his lips kissed my hair. I sighed. Carlisle stared at me incredulously and then at Jacob. I leaned up on my elbows as best I could and stared at Jake.

He looked down at me. Well as best as I could tell he was looking down at me. I wanted to kiss him just to make sure he was definitely here.

"Jake" I sighed and snuggled my face in his hand, which he had placed on my cheek. Jake leaned down and kissed me gently. If I loved his kisses before. These were better. I melded myself to him. Ignoring the agony in my leg and torso. His lips moved urgently with mine and I trembled. It was unreal that I could feel this way while in agony but it was Jacob, I love him. This kiss was different to the ones before it was more, it held more fire, more electricity, more love. Suddenly his hands were on my face restraining me. I sighed and let him push me back onto the operating table. I felt real, I was alive. No longer a zombie. No longer sad. I was happy again.

* * *

_Billy was on the bay, Sam had carried him down and Quil had carried his wheel chair. I was on the cliff; I couldn't be down there anymore. Cloud's moved across the moon and the wind blew and swirled my hair around my face. It was over. I looked out over the water and sighed. It was over. I picked up Jakes discarded shirt and brought it to my face, I inhaled, it smelt of him and a sob choked in my throat. There was only a small gap in the clouds now; they had formed over so quickly. It looked like a storm. _

_When I knew I was completely alone on the cliff with the only sound the sound of the wind in the trees. I unleashed my anger on Jacob. _

"_Damn you for leaving! For not caring enough about us!" I shouted at Jacob. And it was lost in the wind. It echoed on the trees off the water, whistled through the air._

"_I thought you loved me, couldn't you just get out of the damn net. You could do anything Jake." My voice cracked as I yelled. Lightening flashed across the sky far out at sea. The storm was here. _

_I went on and on about the pack and love and brotherhood. I refused to believe that Jake was gone forever. He would be back, he wasn't completely dead. How could he be tricking us like this, how could he seem to orchestrate his own death. To be so cruel. It almost seemed to perfect. But of course it wasn't suicide. Rain drops fell from the sky and landed on my face. The wind whipped at my hair and the waves crashed against the cliff. Thunder rumbled and I stared up at the sky. Letting the rain fall into my eyes and the wind blow my hair out behind me. _

_I walked to the edge of the bluff and stared out at the stormy water. Numb, stone. My arms fell loose at my sides and a sudden gust of wind blew my hair around it stuck to my face, soaking wet from the rain. _

_I blamed myself if only I had stopped him from jumping the first time he would be all right, fate. I laughed lightly, blankly. I could have done something. I dissolved into tears; I cried the way I did when I left Phoenix for Forks. Great gut wrenching sobs. I lay on the grass and stared at the sky letting the rain soak me through I watched lightening split the clouds in half. _

_Sag mir was ist bloß um uns geschehn  
Du scheinst mir auf einmal völlig fremd zu sein  
Warum geht's mir nich mehr gut  
Wenn ich in deinen Armen liege  
Ist es egal geworden was mit uns passiert_

_I sang some of the lyrics to Symphonie as I stared at the stars, so bright. _

* * *

"He will be in the viewing room," Carlisle said to me. My light was gone. I slumped into the flat surface wanting to disappear.

"Do people come back from the dead?" I asked blearily feeling myself slipping under.

"And what were you saying to him before?" I asked. I was slipping in and out of consciousness the jab I felt most of been anaesthetic.

"Not usually." He said, ah that was good it meant Jake really was back. It was just unusual. But he didn't answer my other question the more important one. It was as if Carlisle knew him, knew Jake but Jake was never treated at the hospital because the people on the reservation stopped going two years before I moved here.

"Thanks doc." I mumbled. My eyes closed and it went black.


	5. Chapter 5

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– Heaven Is A Lot Like Hospital.

Suddenly out of no where I could think and thought filled my brain. I must be awake. Finally I wanted to see my family and Jake and Jared. Everyone, I wanted to assure everyone that I was okay. Jake, Jake, Jacob was back, he was alive. Alive. Denial.

How long had I been out? It seemed like forever that I had been asleep. I wasn't in the OR anymore so the operation must have been a success. Or not. Maybe I was dead. Maybe they couldn't save me and I slipped away on the operating table. In that case where was Jake? Oh wait Jake was back so I was here without him. Damn he would be upset. I hope Alice didn't get in any trouble from Carlisle for almost killing me. Or killing me. I still haven't decided which one I am, alive or, dead. Death was peaceful, definitely. Life would be harder. Opening my eyes would be harder. Jake was back that would be difficult. Life. Maybe I would never open my eyes that would be better, better for, better for everyone.

In any case I seemed happy, a weird feeling considering I've walked around as a zombie for the past two weeks. Mind you I was alive then. I might not be alive now. I felt as if I was being crushed with the heaviest thing in the world times by a million. I couldn't open my eyes, but then I didn't want to, ever. To see the sun again, to see Billy and Jake. I couldn't face that guilt. Even though he was back I still killed him.

"Carlisle she still isn't awake, you said. . ." Someone said, it wasn't Jacob or Jared or Quil or anyone. The voice was like velvet and I drowned in the sound of it. So familiar.

"She will wake up soon just prepare her for, you know," he said, what were they talking about had something happened in the surgery was I damaged. Did they amputate something? Was I in a coma? What stop talking in code, damn it.

"But she doesn't know me, she thinks I'm . . ." he trailed off; pain etched his voice, why? Who did I think he was? Who was he? This was too weird to process. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

"I know what she thinks, don't bring that up when you're talking to her, she's going to your school soon so you will get to know her then," Carlisle said. I was confused. Everything they were saying made no sense, it was cryptic and annoying. This was changing my mind. Making me open my eyes. I wouldn't, I couldn't. I would.

I wanted to wake up and shout at them. But I hadn't tried yet, maybe I wasn't dead. No! I definitely wasn't dead. I could hear Carlisle. But who was with him. Someone that I don't know, someone that knows me, someone who's voice is familiar and beautiful. I could wake up, I could open my eyes. I coughed and I heard the flutter of paper.

"Bella can you hear me?" Carlisle said urgently, he checked my pulse and I struggled against his cold hands. Cold is right he was freezing.

"Carlisle," I croaked,

"Yes," he said brightly. He was waiting for me to open my eyes, I could do that. They felt glued shut and heavy. I willed them to open. Forced them to open and they did.

My surroundings were fuzzy like a photo with the background blurred, like when everything is blurred into dots. That's what the room was like. I blinked, but held my eyes shut for a while. Hoping the blurry dots would have gone. I opened my eyes once more and stared around the room. It was bright, the sun was shining outside. My vision was no longer blurred. Where was Carlisle, I couldn't see him. I expected him to be there. So I had someone familiar. It was his fault I had decide to face this in the first place. So he better have some answers.

"Carlisle?" I yelled frantically. I didn't want to be left on my own. I bolted upright and my shoulders were shaking slightly.

"I'm right here Bella," he reassured, Carlisle appeared from the side of the room, I sighed and slumped back against the pillow. He walked around to the other side of my bed and smiled.

"I'm glad to see you with your eyes open." He said, I smiled and someone laughed, the laugh was breath taking and he looked around to see who it was. Carlisle coughed and it almost sounded nervous what was going on. When my eyes were closed Carlisle had been acting weird and now he was acting weirder.

"What were you talking about before?" I asked, Carlisle didn't answer, didn't breathe. No one did.

"Answer me!" I almost yelled in my desperate attempt for some answers. It was unbearable not knowing and he would tell me. He had to tell me.

"We were talking about you," Carlisle said,

"We?" I raised an eyebrow; Carlisle looked away from me a small smirk on his face. It couldn't be. It didn't sound like him, maybe it was. Maybe heaven was incredible, maybe you could change bits of yourself. Maybe he was an angel, I wouldn't be surprised.

"Jacob," I mumbled, maybe it was him, maybe not. Carlisle took a deep breath and nodded. What the heck, who was he nodding at. Maybe he was confirming my suspicion, it was Jake. I sat up and laughed gleefully.

I waited for him to appear like he had before. Carlisle touched my shoulder,

"Bella," he cautioned. I ignored him and shook his hand away. Something brushed against my lips and I gasped. Wind blew into my face and I lay down with a jolt. The wind had surprised me and how cold it was. What was that, like someone kissing me? But the wind. It was like in the woods when . . . I sobbed. It wasn't Jake.

Carlisle placed his hand once again on my shoulder and turned me to face him. His eyes were sad, like he was avoiding something. Like he knew something I didn't, something that was difficult for him. I waited for him to say something. But he didn't. My lips tingled from the . . . whatever it was. Tingled? That was weird, another addition to the mysteries presented to me today.

"Nobody else is here Bella," Carlisle said. But, there had been, there had! I looked around searching every inch of the room with my eyes but there was no one. It wasn't fair.

Carlisle stood silently beside me and then sat down in a chair. Waiting patiently for me to say something. Well he was in for some luck. I lay down on my side facing him. If he wouldn't answer my questions or anything then he wasn't anything.

"Don't you have to work?" I spat, I wanted to fall asleep again and never wake up, just sleep forever and in my dreams Jake would be there and there would be mysteries and no lies. And no one could die. Ever, no one would ever die in my dreams.

"No! I'm only here to treat you," he said and watched me closely. Why was he doing this, why couldn't he just leave me alone. A distraction that what I needed.

"Um, is my dad here?" I asked, softly this time.

"Yes and your mum. I will go get them." He said, smiling again. I smiled back meekly and watched him leave. Phew. I turned over onto to my other side and let my eyes close. Sleep should come easily. I should be able to slip into a peaceful sleep and sink into dreams. Hopefully that would happen before Carlisle came back. Hopefully.

The darkness was nice, it was what I wanted. The dream would come later. Jake would come later.

"Bella" I heard my mother's voice, Renee. It almost made me open my eyes but I managed to ignore her.  
"Bella please wake up honey," Charlie said soothingly. I wrinkled my nose. No! I didn't want to wake up.

Ahh, that's better. Silence, I can ignore them its easy. I wonder if Carlisle will ever tell me what's going on. I hate not knowing. Who was that person in the room with us, I know there was someone. Even if he denies it, they kissed me. They created a breeze. Like in the woods. I want to dream now. To sleep. Maybe I'll slip soon, soon . . .

_Everything was white, the brightest I had ever seen. Brighter than when they opened the ambulance doors, when I saw Jake. Was it Jake? _

_I stepped towards the brightness; it was shimmering, so I knew it wasn't solid, like a wall or something. There were no objects, nothing that suggested I was any where. I was no where. Between the cracks. Was I in heaven? Was I between places, between times? How glorious would that be? To simply walk into the shimmering mass and pluck Jake out of the water, to save him. And when I wake up his death will be just a dream and he'll be alive. _

"_Hello," I croaked. The scene shifted and I was on the cliff. No! I didn't want to be here. I walked towards the edge and looked down. Something was down there, or someone. I saw a flash of dark hair. A hand lifted to wave. _

"_Jacob!" I screamed, they smiled, and I saw the glint of teeth. My cheeks ached as the smile spread across my face. A time portal or a wake up call. _

"_Hi Bells," he yelled back, the sun came out from behind a cloud and I looked up at it. Happy to see it. My sun. I looked back down at Jake and laughed, a real laugh not forced or anything. Even in my dreams I acted like a zombie and now I didn't. I removed my shoes, my socks and my trousers. I pulled off my t-shirt and stepped even closer to the edge, preparing to dive._

"_Bells!" Jake yelled. I looked down at him. _

"_You can't come down here." He said, my smile faltered._

"_Why?" I cried, it looked like he flinched. _

"_I'm not here Bells, if you come down, I won't be in the water." He shouted. His voice cracking. But he was here, I could see him, I could hear him. _

"_But I can see you, you were in the hospital, you were . . . you came back," I yelled, the fault line in my chest shaking. I could see right down into the water today, I could just about see the net and the boat engine. Tears welled._

"_No I didn't, that wasn't me," Jake yelled, I didn't answer I couldn't. The sun went in behind a cloud. _

"_You can't change it, even if you did, I would just go again." He shouted. No! The clouds rolled over faster than I could comprehend. Lightening ripped through the sky. _

"_Jake," I screamed. _

"_I have to go Bells . . . and it was never your fault, ever." He yelled back, over the crashing of the waves against the cliffs, over the roar of thunder and the crack of lightening. His words echoed through my ears and I stepped even closer to the edge. He wasn't allowed to leave me in my dreams. He wouldn't dare. I rolled up onto my toes and teased the wind. It whipped at my hair, sticking it to my face with the rain. Like the day Jake died. The night I came up here in the storm. _

_Except I was dreaming. I leaned forward and dove into the water. The fall wasn't scary, it was exhilarating, it was finally letting go. It was the only real thing I had experienced since Jake died and it wasn't even real. My body hit the water, penetrated it. The icy water felt like a million knives stabbing me al over my body. I gasped and sea water filled my mouth. I coughed and retched but that only made me swallow more. The current was trying to pull me down and my legs were aching from fighting it.  
"Goodbye Bells," I heard whispered on the wind. Jake,_

"_Goodbye." I murmured but it was lost as a wave crashed over my head, pushing me down into the depths. It was oddly peaceful under the swell. There was no disruption in the water. It was silent. It was easy down here. I stopped kicking my legs and let myself sink down, down. I almost smiled at how east it was to let myself die. The icy water was filling my lunges and I fought the urge to fight for the surface. The darkness was nice, the swirling bubbles as the last traces of air left my lunges was nice. It was a nice way to die, the rumours were right about drowning, once you stopped fighting it. There was a faint glow of light from below me and I closed my eyes to shut it out. I didn't want any light, I didn't want the sun. I didn't want Jake to save me. _

"_Bella," someone breathed, breathed down here? I span around in the water, there was no one there, but the light was growing. I was sinking into it. _

"_Bella," they said again, the voice was twinkling, it was beautiful and it was familiar. I looked down into the light and felt a desperate need to find the person overwhelm me. I swam toward the light._

"_Bella," they whispered, the voice was so close. If I reached out I could probably find the person talking to me. I reached but felt nothing but water. _

"_Bella, don't," they said and there voice was so loving so filled with longing and regret. Tears filled my eyes. I wonder what would happen if I cried under water. I opened my eyes to answer them but nothing happened. I wasn't dead yet, but I could feel myself fading, drowning. Dieing. I closed my eyes. _

"_No don't close you'r eyes." They said and grabbed me around the waist. My eyes snapped open and I looked around me. I was shrouded in light; I couldn't see anything, except grey sleeves and the faint outline of arms. They were so white they blended In with the blinding sun light surrounding me and that's what it was like Jake's smile but it wasn't Jake holding me, I didn't want it to be. _

"_Don't die," they whispered into my ear and shivers spread down my spine,_

"_Were almost there," they said, at the surface, my lunges screamed for air. I knew why I didn't want Jake to save me. He was gone and there was someone else to save me. We were moving fast through the water but I wanted to move faster, I wanted there arms to tighten around my waist and I wanted us to fly through the water and up into the sky. I wanted to turn around in there arms and see there face but I couldn't, there arms tightened around my waist to keep me in place. _

"_Please don't," they said desperately and kissed the back of my neck at least I think that's what it was. There lips. My head broke the surface along with the light and there arms. I gasped as the air filled my lunges and slumped in his arms. They saved me, I was so glad they had saved me. Who ever it was. . . _

"_Thank you," I breathed, the sun was out, the storm was over. I laughed up at the sun. Jake was gone and there were other people out there, I was free of him. I was happy. _

"_Please don't try and take yourself away from me again," they whispered in my ear. _

"_What?" I mumbled, _

"_Exactly what I said," there voice twinkled, strained and I flinched. We were moving through the water towards the shore, towards the jetty. He knew me, the person holding me knew me. _

"_Are you real outside my dreams," I whispered, hoping he was, hoping I had met him._

"_Of course." They laughed, I pulled out of there grasp which was too strong to be normal. Inhuman. I kicked my legs and turned to face them. I couldn't see his face, it was surrounded in light. All of his body was, except his arms. I swam towards him and grabbed his hands. They were as cold as ice. I shivered and swam even closer. _

"_This will end soon." He whispered, _

"_How do you know?" I asked sadly, _

"_The light is fading," he said. I swam even closer and his arms wrapped around me, the light stayed, I still couldn't see him but his touch sent fire through my veins and made my heart pound audibly. I could feel his breath on my face and I closed my eyes and inhaled. He smelt so good, like honey suckle, mixed with rain and music. He breathed music. He held me closer, tighter and I gasped. _

_My feet touched solid ground, pebbles. We were at the shore, still in the water. _

"_Goodbye Bella, when you wake up . . ." he trailed off and the light really was fading. His lips met mine and I savoured it, savoured it before I awoke. His hand was on my cheek and his hand was so cold. So soft. Tears welled in my eyes. The kiss was so soft, so light, and so beautiful. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sighed into the kiss, smiled. _

"_Goodbye," I sighed and the light disappeared along with the dream, along with him. _

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	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 2 – Meeting, winning and dieing.

I shot up in bed gasping. Why did that dream have to end, why? I wanted it to go on forever. I wanted those arms around me. Jake was gone, he had let me go. He had said so in the dream, he said it wasn't my fault he let me go but I wasn't at peace yet. I knew that.

Jake had let me go but I couldn't leave him, I couldn't move onto to anyone, I couldn't have those arms, I couldn't let go. I could move on but that was all. That was all I could manage. But maybe dreaming about the person wasn't so bad, maybe I could do that. Maybe I wouldn't be torched in hell.

"Bella!" my mother's voice filled my ears, she was alarmed. I focused my eyes on her and smiled.

"Hi mom," I said happily, a look of confusion entered her expression and she raised one eyebrow. I guess, normal me would take some getting used too. Two weeks as a zombie probably wore on them a little.

"Bella, Billy is here, he brought some of Jacob's ashes for you," she mumbled awaiting my explosion. I didn't explode. I took a deep breath and looked around the room for Billy. I could contain myself. Seeing Billy wouldn't push me over the edge, it couldn't.

"Bella?" Charlie asked. I looked at him, when had he turned up?

"Hi dad," I said and continued to look for Billy, he wasn't in the room.

"Bells are you okay, you seem different, you seem . . ." he trailed off and I laughed. How ironic was he, I mean, he was so angry before that I wasn't happy and now he's surprised that I' am. Jeez I just can't win, can I?

"I seem happy." I suggested he nodded a little surprised.

"Not quite yet, I don't think but I'm getting there, sort of." My voice cracked and Charlie flinched. It was sunny outside and I looked toward the window. The rays filtered in, casting shadows on the floor. Waves of sadness suddenly penetrating my safe bubble. No more safety for me. The falter line in my chest ripped and my lunges tore apart. My best friend was still gone, my safe harbour. I sobbed. It didn't matter that he was my boyfriend that was over. But my best friend. My best friend. . .

"See Dad, not quite," I mumbled and curled up into a ball. Renee stroked my hair and I shivered, was it cold in here or was that just me. Charlie pulled the blinds across and I sighed, the sun was gone.

"Is Billy here then?" I asked. Charlie nodded and exited the room. I wiped away the tears that had spilled down my cheeks and prepared myself to see him. I could hear his wheel chair on the linoleum. I blinked away more tears that were threatening. I couldn't break down in front of him again; it would cause more pain than good. Renee gave me a reassuring glance and I winced back before wiping all traces of pain off my face. I had got good at that. At hiding it.

"Is Bella okay?" Billy asked worried, he was talking to Charlie, I shouldn't be listening. But it was intriguing. I couldn't help myself.

"She's a little fragile, just be careful," Charlie cautioned,

"I didn't think she would be perfect just yet. But it's nice to know, I wouldn't want her to break down again. It's my fault she is here anyway," Billy trailed off sadly. I gasped, it wasn't his fault. I was just overly sensitive. It's all good. Yes, I would probably never listen to Silbermond again but that was hardly Billy's fault. Or maybe he meant the fact that I had almost died in a motorbike accident. It still wasn't his fault. Renee gave me worried glance and walked to the door way. Oh god what was she going to do. I cringed and shuffled backwards. Ouch, okay I won't do that again. My leg hurts.

"Mum, what are you doing?" I said slightly panicked. She half turned to me,

"I don't want this to distress you and . . ." she trailed off.

"Mum its okay. I want to see him." I assured her. Renee's shoulders slumped and she stepped away from the door way. I relaxed, now I wouldn't have to do something drastic. As I waited for Billy to enter, the suspense rose, until it was almost painful. Would you get in here and stop gossiping with Charlie. I wanted to shout. Yet again, I heard his wheels on the linoleum; I saw the front of his chair, his knees. A lump formed in my throat. This was Jake's dad could I see him, really. Could I survive this and not disappear inside myself, like Mrs. Zombie from before.

"Bella," Billy cried happily, his smile lit up the room but I tried to focus on other things. He and Jake were so similar when they smiled.

"Hey Billy, its great to see you," I said. Hoping my sincerity shone through, I liked Billy a lot and it was very nice to see him. He seemed happy, it surprised me a little.

"So Bells, I came to give you Jake," he mumbled, I smiled weakly. Jake, in a bag, great. This would really help my recovery. I winced but tried to cover it up. My weakness seemed to go unnoticed. Thank god. I reached out for the bag, my hand was shaking. It was as if the walls were pulsing, in time with the speed of my heart. And of course it was travelling nineteen to the dozen, I felt nauseated, seeing the walls thump out of the corner of my eye. I gulped.

"Bella?" Charlie said anxiously. I nodded and kept my eyes focused on the bag. I was fine. I smiled and grabbed it out of Billy's hand before they grew too suspicious of my weird behaviour. Billy smiled, thankful and watched as I placed the bag beside me on the bed. I almost wished Billy had not bought him that they had scattered all of Jake already. But oh no they wouldn't do that, what about Bella? Yeah what about me, maybe I didn't want constant reminders that Jacob was gone, maybe I wanted it over with. Fat chance of that happening. I laughed lightly to myself and all eyes were suddenly fixed to me.

"You laughed?" Renee exclaimed, she smiled

"Do it again!" I gawped at her and Charlie put his hands on her shoulders restraining her. I stared down at the covers, feeling hurt. She was surprised to hear me laugh. I mean I know that I haven't been the easiest person to live with these past weeks, but at least I hadn't become catatonic of something weird like that.

"I'm sorry hunny, we just weren't expecting you're to hear your laugh." Charlie said forlornly. I nodded and stared towards the curtains. Avoiding their gaze. I felt like I was being stared at through bars on a cage. As if I was an animal in a zoo. A lump formed in my throat. A disgusting, nauseating lump. I felt sick.

"Um thank you Billy but I'm a little tired," I said hinting to speed up his departure. Charlie frowned and I glared at him.

"Oh that's fine Bells, I understand that you need you're rest and I should probably get some lunch," Billy said brightly, he stared pointedly at Charlie and I grinned. Ah Billy I love you, what is it with the blacks and paying attention. He knew that I wanted to be alone. Only he would know that, just by looking at my face. Now that Jake wasn't around. Billy was the only person that could. Charlie looked too Billy and sighed gruffly he grabbed the handles of the wheel chair and manoeuvred Billy out of the room. A light grin tugged at my mouth and I fought it back. I couldn't let Renee see, she was far too observant at times. Billy gestured for Renee to come too, she shot him a confused glance then followed them out. I sighed, ah that was better having them gone. I stared at the clock on the wall, watching the second hand move around the dial. For anyone else that would be annoying, but for me it was peaceful, distracting. It allowed me to block the imploding situation around me. Because it had reached that point as happy as everyone seemed it was so fake, it made me nauseous. I could hear the faint sounds of doctors making there rounds, I couldn't hear Billy, Charlie and Renee it seemed as if the had actually left. GOOD! I would finally get some peace. Unless Carlisle decided to check in on me on his rounds, but to be honest, there was surely no reason for me to stay in these demoralising conditions any longer. I mean honestly. I watched a few patient slouch lazily past my open door. Some were hooked up to an IV some seemed simply bored. What a waste of life for the people with illnesses surely if they had to be in hospital they could be provided with entertainment instead of being degradingly bored out of there minds. If Carlisle mysteriously appeared out of no where, I would be _pissed_ he was not what I needed right now. Oh great now the whole mystery thing was back, there was no way I could sleep now. Or ignore Carlisle when he finally checked in on me. I wonder what it actually was, or who. There was definitely something. Just what. Carlisle wouldn't answer my questions that was for certain. Whatever it was, he would not spill. But he knew, I could tell that he knew. Something white caught my eye outside; I stared into the corridor looking for it.

"No, I don't think that is such a good idea," Said a twinkling voice, Carlisle? I heard a brief sigh.

"Carlisle, You have other patients, I want to help. I know what to do," was the reply. Great more weirdness to deal with and I had been hoping for some peace. There was a shuffling of feet.

"I know that you're worried, I know that you care" Carlisle said

" . . .But I don't think this is the best thing." Now it was even more confusing. I sighed heavily and pushed Jake's ashes off the bed. Where they landed on the floor with a soft thud. There was no way I was touching it again. Not even if it was collected with the trash. I would get one of the nurses to collect him. But I wasn't touching Jake until I absolutely had to. I wondered absently where Billy and my parents had got too, not that I cared but it was nice to know . . . and I was bored.

"Bella," Carlisle greeted as he walked into the room, I smiled blankly.

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked, I was fine to begin with.

"Yes I am, thank you," I said and swallowed down the word vomit that was threatening to pour out. Hospitals made me cranky, pain killers made me cranky. And to my horror Carlisle was making me cranky. I wanted to shout at him, to be obnoxious and rude but I bit my tongue.

There were footsteps by the doorway and my head shot up and looked towards it. Where the sound had come from. There was nothing. I frowned. What was with Carlisle's visits, they always turned out strange. What mysterious being was here this time. I frowned harder until creases formed between my eyes. Carlisle coughed and I shivered at the sound. It sounded forced, put on. I continued to glare fixedly at the doorway, trying to will something into existence, to prove I wasn't crazy.

Then out of no where, footsteps outside, in the hall. Carlisle span around and sighed heavily. What was going on. I looked at Carlisle then back to the door. More footsteps, I strained to hear them, strained my eyes to see the person but there was nothing to see. I glared again and stared down at the floor, at Jake who lay discarded. There was a sigh and I shot up again. I searched for the person but it was too bright and I couldn't see. I sat up and moved my eyes around trying to find the person. A twinkling laugh caught my ears and I gasped.

"Carlisle?" I questioned. He coughed again. Weird. Someone was walking I could hear them. And it was so bright like before, like my sun

"Bella you should lie down," Carlisle mumbled, I turned around and shook my head, he frowned and I smiled brightly. I wanted to see who it was; the beautiful laugh was intriguingly familiar. I turned back around as they came into focus.

He was tall, muscular. He had reddish brown hair and topaz eyes. He was wearing a beige sweater and white shirt and he was beautiful. So beautiful. I stared at him my mouth open. He astounded me.

He smiled at me and I couldn't smile back. Even though his smile was contagious, even though it sent butterflies coursing through my stomach.

"Bella?" he mumbled confused. How did he know me? Who was he? Why did he seem so worried? I was confused and lay back on my bed suddenly exhausted.

"Carlisle, I thought it was Jacob." I muttered sadly. Carlisle's expression was grave and he shook his head.

"I'm sorry Bella, Jacob is dead, he was never there," he explained and bent down slowly to pick Jacob up off of the floor.

"But . . ." he cut me off.

"He wasn't there in the surgery or the viewing room, no one was." He said, I sobbed. But he had to be there was someone. He kissed me and it was real It had to be real.

"No!" I yelled, I heard footsteps and looked around. He was standing there, concerned his arms outstretched for me. I lay there not moving.

"Bella this is Edward, my son. He is going to help you on my be half" he said, what, help me do what?

"Help me do what?" I asked blankly. Carlisle froze, he didn't move.

"Your leg was more damaged then we anticipated. Your muscles were severely torn and we couldn't save them, there is new tissue and they will re grow with the right treatment. But you need to strengthen them if you are going to walk again." He said sadly. I wasn't surprised, or upset. I couldn't care less about my legs at that moment. I listened to Edwards breathing and sighed.

"Okay let's get with the fixing," I said to brighten the mood. Edward laughed and my heart spluttered. I wish it hadn't. I wish he wasn't so beautiful. I wish he didn't help me see things again. I wish he was Jake.

"We can't yet, not with your leg broken" Carlisle said.

"Bella," Edward breathed nervously. Nervous why was he nervous. This whole situation got weirder and weirder Edward seemed about my age, so why he was working in the hospital was beyond me. But I also knew that I trusted anyone related to Carlisle. He kept me alive. When I probably would have died. But maybe dieing would be easier than this. The pain from Jacobs's death was gone and that made me feel guilty because it meant I felt happy again that I had said goodbye to him, that I had moved on. I didn't want to move on yet, I wanted to wallow I still missed him so much. My eyes welled.

"Bella!" Edward said concern etching his tone. I looked up at him my eyes brimming.

"I'm fine, I just feel guilty, and that's all." I mumbled, I had no idea why I was telling him this but it seemed like a good idea.

"Guilty? About Jacob?" he asked. Jeez how did he know about that? Oh wait they were talking about it before I opened my eyes. That was why.

"Yes, I don't feel it anymore, the pain." I stammered, it was unbearable the guilt. I wanted it to go. I wanted to crawl up in a ball on my side and forget about everything and all the confusing things Carlisle and Edward had thrown in for good measure. But I had to strengthen my leg, not yet, not while it was still broken.

"Surely he would want you to feel better and not feel guilty," he said. Edward was right that was exactly what Jake would want but, I just.

There was no explanation for it. It just was. The guilt. It didn't need to be there, it was me being me and for once, I wouldn't be me.

"You're right," I said and smiled as the guilt eased. Much better, maybe, I would be able to fully get over it.

"I usually am." He said whilst unfolding a wheel chair for me. I got out of bed and went to hop over to it but shooting pain spread up my leg and I collapsed on the floor. So I can't walk at all now. Or hop with my broken leg, I can't move. I screamed.

"Edward I can't walk . . . I can't move, why?" I cried desperately, tears spilled down my cheeks, hysterical.

"Carlisle explained, your muscle is damaged, torn and we have to strengthen it, but we have to get you out of this hospital for a bit" he explained and lifted me up in his arms like I weighed nothing. I felt safe. And freezing cold, he was freezing. I shivered and I think it was from the cold. Well I'm going to believe it was from the cold.

"Could you put me in the wheel chair," I gasped. Feeling dizzy from his touch. Why did he have that affect on me, I'd know him what five minutes and I loved Jacob. Still loved Jacob. Cared about Jacob. I didn't know Edward, not at all. But it felt so good to be looked after again even if it was only a small thing. It felt good, to be worried about. Even if I had no idea why he cared. It was still nice that he did.

Sunlight filtered in through the window as he held me, hesitant about putting me down. It lit up our faces and Edward turned away from the window in one swift motion. It was so fast. I held onto him. Gripping his t-shirt, afraid to fall, afraid of the speed of his movements. Edward sat me in the wheelchair.

"Let's go outside, shall we" he said calmly. Not at all cautious, or worried about his inhuman speed. And it was, inhuman. He obviously thought I had not noticed and I didn't want to question him about it. I trembled a little.

"Outside? But it's sunny" I paled and grimaced up at him. He laughed,

"What's wrong with that, anyway were going to the garage and then too Carlisle's car, the windows are tinted and then we'll go anywhere" he smiled amused. I'm glad he found my hatred for the sun funny. I didn't. It was one of the reasons I was here, one of the reasons why I crashed into the damn wall. I pushed at the wheels trying to move away from him. Edward infuriated me in many ways and I did not want to be in his presence any longer. I couldn't move the wheel chair. Damn it move. I stamped my foot, shooting pain spread up my leg, which was when I remembered it was broken. A blood curdling scream shot out of my mouth, damn that hurt, that hurt a lot. Another scream echoed off the walls and Edward fell to his knees beside me.

"Bella, please stop, please, please," he cried, what did he want? Why did he care? I sobbed and clutched my leg. Jacob, Jake. I can't do this with out you, your gone, I get it and I've moved on but I can't do this without you. The pain eased and I slumped in the wheel chair.

"Edward, why do you care so much?" I asked blearily, he didn't answer. Just sat there staring at me, It was unnerving and heart pounding at the same time. I had this unbearable urge to reach over and touch his face but I didn't dare. I was Jake's I always would be and I always wanted to be. Edward wasn't going to answer my question.

"When do I get to go home?" I asked gruffly. He smiled,

"Tomorrow, you've been out of it for about a week," A week seriously, I've been asleep for a week. Well except for my brief sleep, so before that I had been asleep for a WEEK.

"Okay lets go out, I need some fresh air," I said blankly. My mind was a mess with the mystery's Edward and Carlisle had placed in front of me, I didn't understand anything and I felt like I was about to cry. Edward seemed to want my company so I would go with him, humour him, whatever.

"Could you take me to the rez?" I asked, Edwards smile faltered,

"Um, I don't think I should," he said, he must have something against it but I had seen his adopted brother and sister driving through so it should be fine, right?

"Come on, I'll go to Billy's and be out in like five minutes, you'll be in a tinted car right, no one will see you" I said trying to sway him. He grimaced and grabbed the handles of the wheel chair.

"That's not what I'm worried about," he muttered quietly to himself. Great more bloody mysteries for me to wonder about.

"You remind me of Alice." He mumbled gruffly changing the subject. The girl that almost ran me over, I laughed. He didn't seem too happy about that, that I reminded him of her.

"Just the fact that you can wrap anyone around you're little finger," he said, to answer my laughter.

"Is that a yes?" I beamed up at him, he nodded. Yay, I almost jumped into his arms and kissed his cheek but I couldn't do that ever. Ever, ever, ever. It was impossible and heart breaking to even think it. I couldn't ever let Jake go. And what I hated most about it was that I was soooo tempted. Just to have some sort of comfort.


End file.
